Near Mos Eisley, Tattooine - Imperial Forces today announced that a rescue operation, intended to recover Captain T'Laan Banks and another unknown comrade, both KIA, was called off today after officials discovered only half of the Banks in the maw of the sarlaac monster.

"Once tranqulized, sarlaac's aren't really that mean after all," said Private First Class Muk Stapleford. "It's when they're awake, hungry, and self-conscious about their lip-scruff that you gotta watch out. Banks should have knew it - it's in our field guides for bantha's-sake!"

Emperor Palpatine and his officials could not be reached for comment.

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